| hang on my darlin' |
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| 10:18am 24/05/2004 |
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my face still is soar from when i punched myself..heh. anyway this past weekend has been the worst weekend i've had in a year. it was just terrible. i cut, only one bad one but the others were on my wrists so they blead a lot. i guess im not as strong as i thought i was. anyway....uh yeah my mum came home after she said she was and she was drunk. to some this might seem like a big deal but its such a usual thing for me now. she goes out drinking, tells me and mon dad when shes coming home, comes home hours late drunk. we tell her shes irresponsible and she acts like a little kid and we are amused by her stupidity and then she threatens divorce. we never take her seriosuly because the next day everything is fine, but im kind of getting sick of it. i have other things to worry about, you know?
*sigh*...oh i suppose i should talk about ali. well our conflicting personalities once again caused a problem so she got her feelings out...which is fine she just happened to do it at the worst time posible..but as you know i don't hold grudges so i guess we're gonna work this out too...uh..oh yeah gwen kissed tyler.there was tongue
i love gwen. shes my friend. but that makes me want to barf. every time i talk to her its always "tyler this and tyler that" and im like (in my head) "please be quiet" doesn't she realise that i still like him and her talking about them making out might...er..i dunno..hurt my feelings?
well im trying not to let it bother me but im not good at those things. i feel so alone in school. everyone just seemed content with my presence (and the fact that i can't spell) and would talk to me, no problem, but now its just a matter of i annoy and anger everyone around me. the onyl people who can stand me are steph, julia and gwen...and oliver and everyone else just give me these hate vibes. which don't help me since i ran out of zoloft and am quite depressed...
oh man i hate to ramble on i wish i was like ali who can make a regular day so beautiful when she writes it in her journal...
love love
mika |
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1 Nickels | For every damn dime
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| oh man.... |
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| 07:49am 23/05/2004 |
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all weekend i've been so depressed. i dunno what to do. this is the worst it's been in a while except for different cause i can't cut. i found this website with pictures of people's cuts. it might sound sick but i dunnoo..it kind of helps. i really want to cut though. a lot. i've been using every fiber in my body to refrain from cutting. i already went all dillusional last night and...eh its really bad.
no one ever talks to me online anymore. i think my only true friend is steph even though...i can't talk to her about anything but shes always there for me to just hang out and forget about stuff.
i feel so alone. i have a paper due tomorrow, im not going to do it. i have no will power left.
*sigh* i didn't think i'd get all sad over something as stupid as this tyler/ gwen situation. im trying not to be immature about it so im not letting it bother me. then richard says tyler doesn't want him hanging out with me anymore. i asked him why and he said because tyler hates me. i dunno. i just want to move to my new house. start all over again and try to forget my past.
mika |
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1 Nickels | For every damn dime
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| bleagh |
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| 10:35am 22/05/2004 |
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AH I HATE TYLER! where does he get off being so oblivious and huirting people's feelings. ok so i know i tried to break up with him but only because people said i should and i didn't really trust him. then he breaks up with me and asks gwen out two minutes later. i hate him and i love him and he caused me emotional damage that i didn't need at all so i hope he dies in a freak stupid bleached hair idiot killing accident. hmph. and i hope he has fun with gwen. im glad the only times ill see him are every day of the week twice a day for a couple seconds until june 18. i cna't stand him and i hope he reads this because maybe he'll grow up. and now i have to throw out that cute card he made me and throw out that stupid thing he wrote...and anything else associated with him....except my zero shirt. but maybe i'll destroy his zero shirt. he doesn't even like the damn band...
NO LOVE BITCHES
miika |
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For every damn dime
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| ha... |
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| 10:17am 18/05/2004 |
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mood:  cheerful
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well we solved the problem...i love you ali...haha birch. i talked to tyler on the phone for a while, i think he should go out with gwen, she really likes him. its not fair she saw him first and i get all the luck. i love all my friends. i also re established my bond avec james. i love that kid. i want to marry him. anyway...the new me and ali convo:
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:02:42 PM): ali are we gonna fix this or are we just gonna be on non speaking terms and just bleh
PrudenceIsPower (9:13:00 PM): i was just going im you and ask the same thing
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:13:09 PM): ha
PrudenceIsPower (9:16:09 PM): lets be best friends again.
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:16:12 PM): ok
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:16:15 PM): i love you
PrudenceIsPower (9:16:27 PM): i love you too!
PrudenceIsPower (9:16:29 PM): online hug.
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:16:33 PM): hehe yes
PrudenceIsPower (9:20:39 PM): i got to go
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:20:41 PM): ok
PrudenceIsPower (9:20:42 PM): talk to you tomorrow
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:20:45 PM): ok
PrudenceIsPower (9:20:45 PM): LOVE YA!
Mr Paul Corusoe (9:20:49 PM): love you too |
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2 Nickels | For every damn dime
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| double you tea eff |
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| 06:14am 18/05/2004 |
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mood:  crappy
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STICK IS UP ALI'S ASS? birch probably but anyway. good focking eru. shes been acting bitchy all week and then today at lunch i was sitting down then steph bender and her look at me and are laughing so i go over to see what they're laughing about and ali's all "nothing" and all this and i could've sworn they were looking right at me so i was like "WHAT?!" and shes all "nothing, god mikayla" and starts ranting on like a focking bitch " you don't even sit here anymore" blah blah so i slapped her cause i was so pissed but i meant it as a friendly "shut up before i kill you" slap but ali made it a big deal and was all "meh". ugh sometimes i want to kill her.
so the whole day im feeling all bad about it and talked about it in therapy and then she IM's me and this is what happens:
PrudenceIsPower (6:05:07 PM): hey.
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:05:11 PM): hey ali
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:05:15 PM): sorry about todya...bad mood
PrudenceIsPower (6:05:31 PM): its okay. but mikayla. i hate being treated like horse shit.
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:05:46 PM): i was only asking why you were laughing at me
PrudenceIsPower (6:07:12 PM): we werent laugning at you!
PrudenceIsPower (6:07:19 PM): why do you think everything is always about you
PrudenceIsPower (6:07:36 PM): because the world doesnt revolove around you. everything isnt about you all the time.
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:07:54 PM): because you were looking at my ali when you were laughing
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:08:08 PM): nevermind i don't want to talk to you right now
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:08:15 PM): i can't believe you said that
Mr Paul Corusoe (6:08:34 PM): i hate myself i want to die and you think that i think the world revolves around me?
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Session concluded at 6:08:36 PM
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PrudenceIsPower (6:09:10 PM): dont ask questions when you told me that you dont want to talk to me.
really?? thats just focking ridiculous. doesn't she get it? i can't take this anymore.this is the end of our friendship. its over.
anyway, you are my sunshine is the saddest song ever. read.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Louisiana my Louisiana
the place where I was borne.
White fields of cotton
-- green fields clover,
the best fishing
and long tall corn;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Crawfish gumbo and jambalaya
the biggest shrimp and sugar cane,
the finest oysters
and sweet strawberries
from Toledo Bend to New Orleans;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
i think its about louisianna or something...heh
love love, (but not for all)
mika |
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3 Nickels | For every damn dime
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| quel est le point? |
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| 09:18pm 10/03/2004 |
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mood:  artistic
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well today my last day of high focus. im gonna miss the high focus crew...meghan and diana weren't there i was quite dissapointed. it was vins last day too. ARGH im gonna miss caileys silly antics and the way i can't spell her name and im gonna miss carlomar being funny and the way he is and saying "lellow" and "panny" and im gonna miss uno. and chris and his non existant sweater vest. and im gonna miss annoying trumpet. and im gonna miss dylon even though i only saw him today...i wore his jacket. hes cool. im gonna miss morgan and her personality of greatness. and jose and his.....retarded. and um....who the fock else?WHO THE HELL AM I FORGETTING. oh yeah john....hehe. OH AND THAT MOTHER FOCKING GHETTO WHORE PIMP george OH MAN HOW I LOVE GEORGE. hes funny and he doesn't even know.....he said when he was younger he could draw like a mother focker. i laughed...oh man who am i forgetting? *ponder*....oh damn...ill miss everyone *tear*
oh and about more exciting stuff (not) im gonna try out for edisons version of folio tomorrow. although it sounds lame. i think its kinda cool. and im trying to bond with some cool 7th graders who are...um...well, cool.
oh man im so bored. and oh yeah I CAN'T FOCKING PLAY BASS im gonna be humiliated tomorrow. oh well
ugh i have nothing to write about. i don't want adam to move. at all...oh no im getting attached
bye bye
mika |
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1 Nickels | For every damn dime
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| edit the sad parts |
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| 11:02pm 09/03/2004 |
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well tomorrow. wednsday is my last day at high focus. well high focus hasn't done anything for me. i hate it so this is what i have to say to high focus...
FOCK YOU BIAAAAAAATCH!!!
anyway, uh, i had a point *thinks* eh i lost it. i've actually been doing good lately. im not obessed with the smashing pumpkins/ billy corgan anymore. im really liking modest mouse, metric and jimi hendrix and my new...tv things are family guy south park and chapelle show.
i kinda have changed a lot.
oh im 2 weeks cut free...haha like stone free by jimi hendrix..
haha CUT FREE TO DO AS I PLEASE *funky bass line*
yeah anyway like i was saying. i kind of changed. i also lost weight IM SO HAPPY instead of my thighs being christmas hams or turkeys...there more like small family holiday chicken. steph is a pigeon and ali...is a...humming bird...what was i going on about? birds? oh yes, thighs.
im also quite talkative. the j crew all still hate me ESPECIALLY HENRY. im like *joke joke* and henry is all "YOU FOCKING WHORE I HOPE YOU DIE BITCH WHAT THE FOCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? SHUT UP....ARGH..." and im like "...er...ok" *walk off*
i don't like it. i don't like it at all. but i've decided just to not talk to him at all ever again. that should solve the problem.
tomorrow is day three of the GEPAs. i thought they would be harder. like im pretty sure i'm not doing so good on it but i don't think im gonna fail...i might...eh.
oh man. i feel so sick. coughing....throat hurts. my stomach kinda hurts too. i should make tea...but im too lazy and its getting late so instead...i won't
oh shite..i forgot to take my medication. fock. eh whatever its already past 11.
yeah i think im gonna go listen to music and draw...
bye bitches
love you,
your favorite rocker focker bass vixen (besides haruhara harko of course, who is my hero)
MIKAYLA/MC/MIKA...which one should i go by? maybe i will alternate...hmm |
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1 Nickels | For every damn dime
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moustachevoyage's journal
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